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I love seeing all blondes featured in the rate-a-buddy.
I love the insincerety of people's miss yous & love yous.
and what I love most
the most, the most, the most
out of anything & everything
is...
mustard
haha, fuck i suck
No, no, no I'm coming off as pessimistic when i am nothing but optimistic at the moment.
Hamid came home from Paris telling me how he found a place where he felt like he belonged, the little village right outside of Paris with some romantic name and the magical jungle that he had to walk through in order to get to the village. It made me wonder if i had a place like that. i came to the conclusion that i didn't.
But i found it. The seaport.
The seaport is magical. I felt like i belonged there. I felt so alive there. with a little bonus of express and american eagle being placed there.
My first encounter at the seaport was at night. Saturday night laura drove me and linda into the city. I wasn't in a very good mood and i didn't feel like talking at all, to anyone. I don't know why, but seeing all of the bright lights of the city scared me, it made me feel small and i didn't like it. We met up with Crystal and went downtown. We hung out there for a while and then headed back to crystal's place.
Around the block from crystal's apartment is the seaport. We got a crepe downtown and crystal suggested to eat it by the water, so we did. we walked over and sat down near the water. It was beautiful. there was an amazing view of the brooklyn bridge and loud music (not necessarily good music) booming from the little cruise boats out on the water. I wasn't able to appreciate the wonder as much as i could have if i wasn't in such a rut, but it seemed to brighten me up and wake me up.
Yes, it definately woke me up. Because i was very tired walking around downtown but when i got back to crystal's apartment i was quite awake. so awake that i could not go to sleep. I mean i guess me having to sleep on a excercise mat didn't help, but oh well. At 3 am is when we "went to sleep". i drifted in and out of really cheap sleep for 4 hours until i finally decided to get up because of it being a little light out, not knowing what time it was. When i checked, it was 7am so i decided to try to find another place to sleep. I set up the chairs and tried to lay down in them, but i just found it ridiculous and i started to laugh. My laughter woke up linda, in which she looked at me and started laughing herself, reached into her bag and took a picture of my sad excuse for a bed, then went back to sleep. I gave up on that quickly and moved on to the kitchen counter. My interest in it ended in about 5 minutes and i decided to try to squeeze into crystal's bed. I laid in crystal's bed for a lil while, gave up, got up and went to get something to eat. I ate a "k mart" bar as i deliriously called it, then went to the bathroom, washed my face and brushed my teeth. I then returned to my excercise mat and passed out on it for about an hour before everyone got up and started getting ready.
Once everyone was ready we met up with Donna and went to lunch at the seaport and later on went to the seaport again for dinner (taking a little nap in between). This time, i saw the seaport during the day. It was so busy, bustling with all different types of people. There were street performers all over the place and a band getting ready to play. It was overwhelming yet comforting. I loved it.
I was really not looking forward to going home. I was expecting to get home and go back to feeling like absolute crap. But i was pleasantly surprised. I came home and i felt replenished. I felt a sudden calm come over me. Its not like i feel as if everything is wonderful now, but i feel like i can handle anything that may be coming my way. I feel a sense of stability. Its a really nice feeling. It was the feeling that gave me the power to rewrite this whole entry, which sounds silly, but believe me, i get extremely frustrated when my entries get lost.
But having this sudden finding of this wonderful place makes me wonder if most people ever find a place where they feel that they belong? And if and when they do, can they ever call that place their home? I'm afraid that i will never be able to call the seaport my home. theres so many things that get in the way of what you want to do, always. it hardly ever comes easy.
So now that i have expressed my seaport love, i shall move on to tell you about my day. I went to my grandma's and little julianna was there, my second cousin. I basically spent the whole time playing tea party with her. It was sad, she looked at me when i started playing 'pretend' or 'make-believe' like she never used her imagination before. I just might have introduced it to her. She enjoyed it. I even did the teapot song ya know "i'm a little teapot, short and stout..." she made me do it over and over again. i also made a stuffed animal rabbit (in which i also sang little bunny foo foo) and stuffed animal dog do it also. I even got HER to sing a song. I told her that the babies couldn't get to sleep without being sung to so she made up a little song that began with "Go to sleep in the tree" and then stopped with words and continued on with just pretty humming. It was cute because at the beginning of the visit, she wouldn't let me hold her, but by the end of the visit, she ran to me to pick her up a few times. Shes such a beautiful child along with having such attitude and being brought up with spanish, shes going to be quite the catch one day.
I really do love children. they are so precious and so genuine. Its the only time in one's life that you can be that way without trying even the least bit. Its the only time in one's life where a sense of self is so solid. From then on, its seems to be temporary, coming and going as it pleases. when you're a child, your sense of self is just there. its so engraved in you that you don't even have to think about it. Later on, a bunch of crap slips in and loosens it up. I would love to be 4 again.
I had a very odd dream last night. Beyonce picked me to go to an award ceremony with. She took me to go get matching dresses or something. I remember looking through the dresses and going "size 0?!" and she went "I'm a size 0" and i'm like "really?". Beyonce couldn't possibly be a size 0 in real life right? LoL And then when we were buying the dresses, she was telling the cashier how her ratings are going to go up when everyone thinks shes bisexual or something haha. Oh my god and one really funny part of the dream that i remember is beyonce sliding down a hill in scubba gear and singing "Oh no" exactly the way she does during jay z's solo in "crazy in love" and then banged into the wall. Yea...
Anyway, my love for Ani is building. I haven't been able to listen to anyone but her. I am scared to get to the unbearably painful height of obsession that i sometimes reach.
Oooo i feel like i am getting *me* back.
Shh...don't let me jinx myself.
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