Phillyra

need a singer?

2006-11-05T00:58:00Z

I know there are a lot of bands on campus that are looking for members. if you know of any bands that need a singer, tell them to contact me. cheryl.yakacki@purchase.edu

Summer 2005

2005-08-24T10:15:42Z

i'm glad i never took those pictures of you and me
i had romantic film stills of us laughing
or looking at each other
or how i press my face into yours and hum
you know how i do that? or did you already forget?
i'd be ripping them apart right about now
throwing them in the toilet
spitting
peeing
flush
the ritual
because you are only one of the many boys that have let me down
but you are the only one that i didn't know from the beginning that you
were going to

i even found out how to use the timer on my SLR camera.

i would have given you copies
maybe even a frame to put one of them in
to put next to your bed
or computer
or tv
in your dorm room
so that you could look and see
who cared for you so much that
you could feel it from hundreds of miles away

but now you lost it. you lost me.

so explore as you will
and do what you want
and i wish you the best of luck
in finding a chick that can fit your whole dick into her mouth
just so that you can get the full college experience
you were getting bored of my virginity anyway

august 25th came just in time.

oh dear, its so true

2005-04-29T18:03:47Z

Your Love Style is Manic

For you, love is the ultimate rollercoaster

And you love to hold on tight and enjoy the ride

Every time you fall in love, it feels like the first time

And while it's exciting and exhilarating...

It's also stressful and scary!

What's Your Love Style?

non existent angry letter

2005-04-22T18:54:51Z

it seems as if i only snuggable at his convenience....what to do, what to do.

im supposed to be at an art exhibit

2005-04-08T23:12:42Z

i wish i could find words to write in this journal.

he had it coming

2005-03-07T03:53:27Z

why don't they just die from nausceating me with their "cuteness"?

what a surprise

2005-02-20T22:59:21Z

"you turn me on, im a radio"-joni

photoing and dancing

2005-02-10T01:37:48Z

today was a good day

joyfulgirl18 @ 2005-01-02T21:24:00

2005-01-03T02:26:06Z

garden state and catch a phrase with friends have revived me.

joyfulgirl18 @ 2004-12-30T20:03:00

2004-12-31T01:21:02Z

Its funny how you can find out one lie and everything can change. the very person that lied is suddenly completely different, every moment that you spent with the person is suddenly different. You have to question every little thing that the person said to you.

you thought you were so clever
getting me to be your friend
while you lied about the very thing
that broke you and me
hugging me like you meant it
touching me like you felt it
it was all a lie
that i was so willing to deny
just so i could look into your pretty eyes

i pumped you with enough love
to feed a deprived child
listening to you ramble
about whatever
whenever

you fucked it up
how does it feel
what you use to get around
just broke down
leaving you stranded at the wheel
i wouldn't jumpstart you
if you were the last person
on this earth

decieveing and cheating
i don't look forward to us
accidentally meeting
in fact ill probably want to
spit in your face
like you did to me
a stab in the back
that i didn't care for

i'm tired of defending you
in my head
im rejecting you
to me
you'd be better off dead

sometimes

2004-04-05T01:22:40Z

Nothing is complimentary...

2

2004-03-23T02:57:16Z

I'm obsessed with underwear.
new obsession: thongs

Everyone buy me underwear for my birthday.
June 29th.
medium or small...use your judgement.

heh...i need to have sex.

butchered

2004-02-18T06:00:16Z

you slit my throat with good intentions
and still speak to me the same

nonexistence

2004-02-14T04:24:34Z

"i'm further off than i've ever been. this is what it's like to be dead"-one flew over the cuckoo's nest

fed up

2004-01-29T01:12:31Z

wish i could do this more maturely, but this will have to do.

everyone fuck off. everyone.

station

2003-09-29T01:11:27Z

Oh holy shit! I got my liscense! yay! i probably spelled that wrong...

I went to Purchase and i really liked it, i might make an entry dedicated to that, but i don't feel like it at the moment.

and congrats Allie, i have put you on my friends list now that you know about my dirty little secret. i'm excited =D

murder

2003-09-29T00:50:51Z

My life:

school work

visting and applying for colleges and scholarships

hopefully volunteering at planned parenthood or long island crisis center

maybe working at hi tech photo

babysitting

I don't have much to write about.

power drive

2003-09-07T05:14:58Z

I've come to the realization that i am a very jealous person. but its usually in check because i know how ridiculous it is. If i am in a room, i want to be the hottest one in it. If i come to the conclusion that i'm not, i get jealous of the hottest one, not because i want to have their body, but because they are getting more attention than i am. I want people that i am friends with to find me attractive and if they talk about other people that are hot, i get jealous.

I'm also very possessive. Obviously over Ani. If anyone says that they like her or love her, i get horribly jealous. I'm also very possessive over my friends in which i want them to turn to me for everything and if they don't, it makes me really jealous.

I really wish i wasn't like this over such silly things. it would make things so much easier and i wouldn't feel like i am keeping feelings from people.

I also HATE being ignored or avoided and i end up getting slightly paranoid about it. i would much rather fight with someone than them not talk to me. it drives me nuts.

a bit of sarcasm mixed with some thoughts & magic (second copy)

2003-09-02T06:36:11Z

I love seeing all blondes featured in the rate-a-buddy.
I love the insincerety of people's miss yous & love yous.
and what I love most
the most, the most, the most
out of anything & everything
is...

mustard
haha, fuck i suck

No, no, no I'm coming off as pessimistic when i am nothing but optimistic at the moment.

Hamid came home from Paris telling me how he found a place where he felt like he belonged, the little village right outside of Paris with some romantic name and the magical jungle that he had to walk through in order to get to the village. It made me wonder if i had a place like that. i came to the conclusion that i didn't.

But i found it. The seaport.

The seaport is magical. I felt like i belonged there. I felt so alive there. with a little bonus of express and american eagle being placed there.

My first encounter at the seaport was at night. Saturday night laura drove me and linda into the city. I wasn't in a very good mood and i didn't feel like talking at all, to anyone. I don't know why, but seeing all of the bright lights of the city scared me, it made me feel small and i didn't like it. We met up with Crystal and went downtown. We hung out there for a while and then headed back to crystal's place.

Around the block from crystal's apartment is the seaport. We got a crepe downtown and crystal suggested to eat it by the water, so we did. we walked over and sat down near the water. It was beautiful. there was an amazing view of the brooklyn bridge and loud music (not necessarily good music) booming from the little cruise boats out on the water. I wasn't able to appreciate the wonder as much as i could have if i wasn't in such a rut, but it seemed to brighten me up and wake me up.

Yes, it definately woke me up. Because i was very tired walking around downtown but when i got back to crystal's apartment i was quite awake. so awake that i could not go to sleep. I mean i guess me having to sleep on a excercise mat didn't help, but oh well. At 3 am is when we "went to sleep". i drifted in and out of really cheap sleep for 4 hours until i finally decided to get up because of it being a little light out, not knowing what time it was. When i checked, it was 7am so i decided to try to find another place to sleep. I set up the chairs and tried to lay down in them, but i just found it ridiculous and i started to laugh. My laughter woke up linda, in which she looked at me and started laughing herself, reached into her bag and took a picture of my sad excuse for a bed, then went back to sleep. I gave up on that quickly and moved on to the kitchen counter. My interest in it ended in about 5 minutes and i decided to try to squeeze into crystal's bed. I laid in crystal's bed for a lil while, gave up, got up and went to get something to eat. I ate a "k mart" bar as i deliriously called it, then went to the bathroom, washed my face and brushed my teeth. I then returned to my excercise mat and passed out on it for about an hour before everyone got up and started getting ready.

Once everyone was ready we met up with Donna and went to lunch at the seaport and later on went to the seaport again for dinner (taking a little nap in between). This time, i saw the seaport during the day. It was so busy, bustling with all different types of people. There were street performers all over the place and a band getting ready to play. It was overwhelming yet comforting. I loved it.

I was really not looking forward to going home. I was expecting to get home and go back to feeling like absolute crap. But i was pleasantly surprised. I came home and i felt replenished. I felt a sudden calm come over me. Its not like i feel as if everything is wonderful now, but i feel like i can handle anything that may be coming my way. I feel a sense of stability. Its a really nice feeling. It was the feeling that gave me the power to rewrite this whole entry, which sounds silly, but believe me, i get extremely frustrated when my entries get lost.

But having this sudden finding of this wonderful place makes me wonder if most people ever find a place where they feel that they belong? And if and when they do, can they ever call that place their home? I'm afraid that i will never be able to call the seaport my home. theres so many things that get in the way of what you want to do, always. it hardly ever comes easy.

So now that i have expressed my seaport love, i shall move on to tell you about my day. I went to my grandma's and little julianna was there, my second cousin. I basically spent the whole time playing tea party with her. It was sad, she looked at me when i started playing 'pretend' or 'make-believe' like she never used her imagination before. I just might have introduced it to her. She enjoyed it. I even did the teapot song ya know "i'm a little teapot, short and stout..." she made me do it over and over again. i also made a stuffed animal rabbit (in which i also sang little bunny foo foo) and stuffed animal dog do it also. I even got HER to sing a song. I told her that the babies couldn't get to sleep without being sung to so she made up a little song that began with "Go to sleep in the tree" and then stopped with words and continued on with just pretty humming. It was cute because at the beginning of the visit, she wouldn't let me hold her, but by the end of the visit, she ran to me to pick her up a few times. Shes such a beautiful child along with having such attitude and being brought up with spanish, shes going to be quite the catch one day.

I really do love children. they are so precious and so genuine. Its the only time in one's life that you can be that way without trying even the least bit. Its the only time in one's life where a sense of self is so solid. From then on, its seems to be temporary, coming and going as it pleases. when you're a child, your sense of self is just there. its so engraved in you that you don't even have to think about it. Later on, a bunch of crap slips in and loosens it up. I would love to be 4 again.

I had a very odd dream last night. Beyonce picked me to go to an award ceremony with. She took me to go get matching dresses or something. I remember looking through the dresses and going "size 0?!" and she went "I'm a size 0" and i'm like "really?". Beyonce couldn't possibly be a size 0 in real life right? LoL And then when we were buying the dresses, she was telling the cashier how her ratings are going to go up when everyone thinks shes bisexual or something haha. Oh my god and one really funny part of the dream that i remember is beyonce sliding down a hill in scubba gear and singing "Oh no" exactly the way she does during jay z's solo in "crazy in love" and then banged into the wall. Yea...

Anyway, my love for Ani is building. I haven't been able to listen to anyone but her. I am scared to get to the unbearably painful height of obsession that i sometimes reach.

Oooo i feel like i am getting *me* back.
Shh...don't let me jinx myself.

you don't ask

2003-09-02T03:56:29Z

a dorky girl: oh cheryl. you brighten my day
Reckoning16: its no prob 8-)

hehe

x0joyfulgirl0x: thats just horrid
x0joyfulgirl0x: we must get rid of it
x0joyfulgirl0x: throw it in the garbage can!
x0joyfulgirl0x: toss it in the gutter!
x0joyfulgirl0x: flush it down the toilet!
x0joyfulgirl0x: sail it down a river!
x0joyfulgirl0x: i'm sorry...i'm just trying to amuse myself

remember me

2003-08-29T05:34:55Z

I feel hideously boring. No one seems to want my attention. I feel such a lack of communication and conversation. In a way i can't wait until school so that i can actually talk to people. Not that they will exactly be interested in what i have to say, but whatever. I'm just whining. I hate to whine, so i'll shut up.

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood and
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I'm 13 again am i 13 for good

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me

-Alanis Morissette (so unsexy)

fast car

2003-08-27T16:53:28Z

I used to really feel things, even things that weren't even there. I guess thats why i need to stop. Its just a real reality check. See...its hard to explain, words don't come to me as easily now. I used to be interesting. People used to be more amazing. Songs used to be more powerful. Faces used to be more beautiful. Books, Pictures, Paintings, etc. used to drip with sadness or glow with brightness. I used to absorb more. I used to create more. Everything is so boring now. So plain. So mediocre. Its so cheap that this is the "normal" way to feel. I wish i could go crazy in peace.

A survey created by myself (theres no order to the questions, too much work)

2003-08-26T16:32:25Z

Name one:

name that you would rather your name be: Tilden
of the best things about your body: curviness
of the worst things about your body: acne
of your favorite music artists: ani difranco
of the worst feelings in the world: g'byes for forever
of the best feelings in the world: feeling someone's beauty
of the funnest (not a word) songs: hanging around-counting crows
of the most powerful songs: precious things-tori amos
of the saddest songs: skin-natalie merchant
of the stupidest songs: YMCA-village people
of the songs that best describe you: swan dive-ani difranco
person that you have a great relationship with: Linda
person that you want to have a good relationship with: Kaity
thing you regret: showing my ridiculous dissapointment
thing you desire to be: music artist
of the best things about yourself: im strong
of the worst things about yourself: im weak for certain people
of your obsessions: stationery
thing you hate to look back on: st anthonys
thing that you hate: mustard
thing that you love: paper towels
(or admit to one)lie you told yourself or someone else: my name is cheryl ANN
thing you're scared of: never feeling as strongly as i used to
object that you have named(and list the name): Daisy, my journal
thing you enjoy doing: writing
thing you hate doing: studying
thing that you believe in: myself
thing that you want: a darkroom
thing that is cute: the dustbunnies in spirited away
thoughtful thing someone has done for you or given you: crystal got me a spongebob shirt and strawberry socks before she left
thing that someone has said to you that hurt you: "you don't think i already left?"
compliment that someone has given to you: "you're smile is pretty"
happy moment that now haunts you: times with danny
thing that helps you relieve stress: writing
of the worst days in your life: junior prom night
of the best days in your life: ani concert
of your favorite cartoons: spongebob
of your favorite tv shows: the cosby show
of your favorite movies: the royal tenenbaums
of your favorite places: the bunny park
feeling that seems to define you: 'okay'
word that intrigues you: dilate
personality trait that you admire in people: inhibition
thing you could not live without: my journals
of your favorite albums: blue-joni mitchell

whole (all fixed)

2003-08-25T03:20:01Z

CIA

2003-08-25T01:43:13Z

Crystal left today :(

I got sick of my recent livejournal icon pretty quick.
so here's a new one.